When Her World writer Zarelda Marie Goh turned down a wedding invitation from a former schoolmate, the bride-to-be was furious and vowed 'never to speak to her again'. Zarelda, however, feels that it’s natural to outgrow an old pal, so she did not really care if their ties were cut.

These are some of her thoughts on old friendships:

Several years ago, a former schoolmate invited me to her wedding. I was surprised because we had barely exchanged text messages for eons. I politely declined via SMS without revealing why but a mutual friend let the cat out of the bag unintentionally.

When the bride-to-be found out, she was furious. She sent me a nasty SMS telling me how upset she was and vowed never to speak to me again.

Since then, she has ignored me whenever we run into each other. Honestly, I can’t say I care – that’s how distant we’ve become.

That incident showed me how people use different benchmarks to measure the quality of friendship. My ex-schoolmate considered me to be a good friend because we’d known each other since we were 13. But how long I’ve known someone isn’t a good gauge of closeness for me.

What matters most to me is being able to let my guard down and be myself with someone I call a friend. Yes, a fair number of my closest friends are from school but I have also forged friendships with people I’ve met in
more recent years.

I firmly believe in being discerning when it comes to who I spend my time with. Why should I bother if I have to rack my brains to carry on a conversation with you? That’s my litmus test to determine whether you’re a “stay” or a “nay”.

And if you’ve been tagged the latter, you’re an acquaintance – that means meeting up once in a blue moon.

Mean? Perhaps. But if our once lively chats have degenerated into small talk, then I’m doing us both a favour.

Find out why breaking up with friends is hard for some on the next page.

Breaking up is hard to do

I admit I wasn’t always this resolute about saying goodbye to friends, even when I realised we had grown apart. It is undoubtedly comforting to relive “the good ol’ days” with familiar faces. Public relations consultant Melissa Thomas, 30, shares similar sentiments. She treasures her friends from school because they were there for her throughout her growing-up years. “We’ve shared many happy moments and also seen each other through tough times. They will naturally have a special place in my heart,” she says.

Katherine Ho, 24, a private tutor, agrees, adding that she fondly remembers sharing significant moments, like her first kiss, with friends from her teenage years.

These emotional bonds can be difficult to sever because people like familiarity and security, says Dr Adrian Wang, a consultant psychiatrist at Gleneagles Medical Centre. “Furthermore, by the time you reach your 20s
and 30s, these friends would have supported you through experiences like examination failures, break-ups with boyfriends and job problems. They will always be linked to these memorable life events.”

Clinging on to friendships is all well and good if you still are genuinely in sync with someone but it should never feel like an obligation to keep in touch.

More often than not, friendships change, says Dr Wang. “Friendships that met your needs then may not meet your needs now. If you’re a single woman, you may find that a friend who is now a stay-at-home mother can’t
understand what you’re going through at work, and vice versa.”

I have accepted that this is a fact of life. I can’t (and don’t want to) talk about where to shop for the best diapers or baby formula. I value engaging conversations and gravitate towards people who are opinionated or share my love for yoga or outdoor sports.

Read about how to break up with old friends on the next page.

Being decisive and realistic

Ironically, my best friend is someone I’ve known since I was in Primary 1. Our friendship has stood the test of time because we unconditionally accept each other for who we are. We also can be (and have been) brutally honest with each other whenever we need to be.

Premila knows I’m a hypochondriac and I am tolerant of her flaws (which I shan’t reveal here because I still want to be friends with her). We text and call each other several times a week and usually meet up once fortnightly. I appreciate her for being there for me through the toughest times in my life like break-ups, my paternal grandma’s passing and car accidents.

Still, I know I appear unsentimental (and ruthless) about friendships but I see my approach as being decisive – and realistic. It simply means I have more time for the people and activities that matter most.

Question how meaningful your existing friendships are, decide if they’re worth keeping and stick to your guns I say Facebook is a good place to start culling your list of friends.

To read the rest of this article, get a copy of the July 2011 issue of Her World, Singapore‘s No. 1 women’s magazine. Her World, published by SPH Magazines is available at all newsstands now. Zarelda Marie Goh is a features writer with Her World magazine by SPH Magazines. Check out more stories at Her World online, www.herworld.com